Alone

I am so afraid that I will forget my baby. That I'll forget being pregnant with her and that I'll forget all the little details of her short life. I know in this whole experience, I am alone.

Update

It's been almost a month, since I last wrote. The days are passing very quickly and everytime I look at the calendar May seems to be staring me right in the face. I don't want to face May. My baby's due day is approaching and it's hard for me to think that I won't be bringing her home when the time comes. . .

Why does it seem so much harder now?

Denial

I've been avoiding writing for a couple months now. I guess I thought that if I didn't write about it that somehow I could ignore the pain. But I find that whether I write about it or not, the pain is always there and no amount of "not writing about it" will take it away.

I've gone back to work. It seems like a joke because working is supposed to bring some kind of normalcy into my life. All I find it does is make me feel that much more inadequate. I don't want to be at work and I don't want to be around people. I feel like I'm faking. I'm faking at being okay because that's what everyone expects. That's not how I feel inside though. Inside I feel dead. The day my baby died, is the day I died as well.

I really feel like that. Though I am somewhat hopeful of the future, all this experience has taught me is that I really don't know what the future holds. And that life is extremely fragile.

ConFUsIoN

I don't know what I believe in anymore.

Frustrated

I went to the hematologist on Wednesday, she said everything was normal. I'm supposed to follow up with my ob/gyn, I left a message and I'm waiting for him to call me back. It's just really frustrating. If they can't find anything wrong and there's no explanation, then how do I make sense of it all?

Thoughts

People keep asking me how I’m feeling. I tell them I’m okay, but really how am I supposed to feel? I lost my baby; it’s the most horrible feeling in the world. Last night I had another crying session. Most times I try to hold it together, I try to keep it positive, but when I’m alone all of it just comes flooding back. Over and over again, the questions keep popping into my head. Why? Why me? Why couldn’t I have my daughter? I cry so much and I don’t feel like talking to anyone, because I really don’t want to go into details. It hurts too much. I don’t know why God decided to take my baby; I don’t think I’ll ever really know. All I know is that I have never felt so empty in my life. There are times all I can think of is holding my sweet little baby and realizing that she wasn’t coming home with me. And now I’m worried because what if I can’t give Ty a child? He’s been my rock though through everything. I could not have asked for a better person to go through this with. It just sucks that its another thing he had to go through with everything he has had to go through with his health and all.

I just don’t know what to think or what to say. I’ve been reading about all these people who lost their babies, and I feel so sad. Ty told me not to read any more things about pregnancy but I can’t help it. I try not to think about it, all I can do is leave it in God’s hands and hope for the best. I miss her each and everyday. People tell me that I’m young and that I’ll have more babies, but I don’t want to replace my little girl. Yes I would like to try again, but it’s because I want to have a baby in my arms. I’ll never forget my little Angel. She added so much happiness to my life. Never once did I regret carrying her.

Update

I went to the doctor today for a follow-up. He really didn't tell me anything new. Just that he's just waiting for the test results to see if there's anything abnormal going on. There are still more questions than answers. Which just completely depressed me more than anything. I'm supposed to go to the hematologist and go over the results of my blood work. Though she already told me she suspects everything will turn out normal. If everything is alright, then why did this happen to me? Why did I lose my baby? It's just so frustrating . . . .
I just feel really pessimistic about the whole thing. Even now this whole thing is fucking surreal to me. My friend called me tonight and I realized that I needed to start letting them know the news. So I told her and she offered her condolences, but then she tells me that I'll have another one. That's not what I want to hear. I wanted HER. I wanted my sweet little Angel more than I wanted anything else in my life.
Everyone keeps telling me that time will heal this pain. I don't think so. I don't think this pain will ever go away. There's a piece of my heart that's been ripped away, that hole will always be there until the day I die. Nothing, NOTHING will change the fact that my baby is not here with me. I am so angry that I won't ever hold her or talk to her or raise her. She's gone and I am left here completely numb and empty.

Laid to Rest

Yesterday, my husband and I took a boat ride to the gulf stream. We took our sweet Angel's ashes and scattered them. It was the hardest thing I had to do, letting go of her without even having the chance to hold on to her. I feel so isolated. Everyone else will forget and are living their lives and I will be the only one to remember her. Life is cruel.

Mindless

I try to keep my mind occupied. I watch mindless television shows, I read everything I can - magazines, newspapers, e-mail, blogs. Yet there comes a point when it just hits me and I can't stop the pain from invading my entire body.

My milk has finally dried up. I thought when it happened I would be relieved. I find that I'm even more depressed. They say that God doesn't give you more than you can bear. I'm trying to believe that. That somehow I'm supposed to come out of this having learned something. Honestly, I don't know what it is yet.

Tonight

I can't sleep. . . As hard as I try to empty my head of any thoughts, they stubbornly cling on torturing me. My mind is filled at all corners. I have the television on to distract me, but that's not working either.

I honestly . . .

I honestly don’t know how I will make it. I don’t feel strong enough at all. Everyday is a struggle for me. And I find myself staying in my room more and more. Sometimes I still can’t believe this is happening. I think back to just a couple of weeks ago, and how I felt her moving inside of me. It all just seems like a bad dream. I look at my belly and still can’t believe she’s gone. Why do I do? I still don’t feel like talking to anyone. The only person I’m really able to talk to is Cha. I feel so alone in my grief. No one else could possibly understand this unless they have been through it. Even my friends, I know they care for me, but they have never had to go through this. I can’t really talk to C about this at all, she has children she wouldn’t understand. I don’t want to go out either. I try to look at the positive and try to remain hopeful. Because even in this tragedy, there is hope; I know the Lord will bless me with children.

I spoke to Ty a while ago, and he told me that we would be able to pick up the ashes on Monday. We were going to spread them in the ocean, but I don’t know if I want to do that now. I think I want to keep her remains here. I want to keep her close to me. I wish there was some way to go back. I know that in life, things are not fair, but it’s hard to comprehend why things happen the way they do.

You know I try to wrap my head around this whole situation and no matter how hard I try to, I CANNOT seem to understand it. I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I’m so incredibly angry and frustrated and depressed. And no matter how many people tell me that the pain will lessen, I don’t feel like it will. I feel like I’m always going to feel this way. The darkness seems to overwhelm me. The pain seems to magnify when I’m alone. I try my best to put up a brave face in front of my family and Ty’s family, but when I’m alone it all comes out. I break down. I feel like I just want to be alone in my pain and grief.

I feel . . .

I feel like I'll never get over this. I find myself crying at the oddest times, but mostly when I'm all alone. I still don't feel like going out or talking to anyone. I still see the images of my little girl in my head. And as much as I know that nothing will change, nothing will ever change all I keep thinking about is if only . . . All I'm doing is driving myself crazy, but I can't help it. I'm so filled with pain. How am I supposed to go on like this? Will I ever smile again? Will I ever truly laugh again? How am I supposed to get past this? I feel so alone in my grief. I feel like everyone around me expects me to be okay. But I'm not and I don't think I'll ever be okay. I have to put on this brave face when deep inside I'm screaming and crying. I just don't know how I'll go on . . .

Just Those Few Weeks

Just Those Few Weeks
by Susan Erlin

For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short of time
To be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks-
I came to know you... And to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
And no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny, unfinished baby,
Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
To make my life so much richer-
And give me a small glimpse of eternity

Cruel Fate

January 19, 2009. That day will be forever etched in my mind. It’s the day I realized I would never hold my precious baby. I would not get the chance or opportunity to show her all the love I had for her. I keep going over it in my head. What could I have done differently? I had some stomach pains on Sunday night; I woke up Monday morning with more of a stomachache. When I went to the bathroom to wipe I noticed that I was spotting. I called the doctor’s office immediately to make an appointment. But this time the pain was coming more swiftly, so Ty and I got dressed to go to the hospital. When we got in the car, I kept having contractions after 2 or 3 minutes, another one would come. We got to the hospital and Ty bought down a wheelchair for me to go to labor and delivery. As soon as I made it upstairs my water broke. My heart just dropped because I knew my baby wasn’t going to make it. They took me in and tried to find her heartbeat but they couldn’t. So they took me upstairs and I waited for the ultrasound tech to come and do an ultrasound and wait for my doctor. My doctor came the same time as the tech and by then they rushed me into the OR room. All I could think of was how scared I was. I could die. I said a quick prayer that everything would be okay. They put me under general anesthesia and took the baby out.

When I woke up I thought I was having a bad dream. Then, I saw Ty and asked him about the baby. He didn’t tell me anything. Then the nurse came and told me that the baby didn’t make it. I felt like the wind had been knocked out from under me. It didn’t help that I felt like a bus had just hit me. One of the nurse asked if I wanted to hold her and I told them yes I wanted to hold my baby. When they gave me my baby and I held her. I looked into a small beautiful little face and I couldn’t believe that this was going to be the only time I would hold her. They had me in recovery for what felt like a long time. They gave me morphine. It numbed the pain from the surgery, but nothing could describe the pain I was feeling inside. Ty stayed with me for a while, but then he had to leave and his brother stayed with me. The pain I’m still feeling. A thousand thoughts keep going through my head. She was just in my belly kicking and now she’s gone.

After what seemed like hours, they brought me to my room. By then my family was allowed to see me. My mom and dad came and I couldn’t help the tears from falling. My parents told me not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. Ty asked the nurse if we could see the baby again and they brought her in. It broke my heart to see my little one’s face. I couldn’t wait to meet her but I wanted for her to come out healthy and happy. Then everyone left including Ty and I was left alone in my room.

That night, all alone in that hospital room, I couldn’t sleep. All I could think of was my little girl’s face and that soon I would have to bury my angel. Being in that hospital for those three days were awful.