I honestly . . .

I honestly don’t know how I will make it. I don’t feel strong enough at all. Everyday is a struggle for me. And I find myself staying in my room more and more. Sometimes I still can’t believe this is happening. I think back to just a couple of weeks ago, and how I felt her moving inside of me. It all just seems like a bad dream. I look at my belly and still can’t believe she’s gone. Why do I do? I still don’t feel like talking to anyone. The only person I’m really able to talk to is Cha. I feel so alone in my grief. No one else could possibly understand this unless they have been through it. Even my friends, I know they care for me, but they have never had to go through this. I can’t really talk to C about this at all, she has children she wouldn’t understand. I don’t want to go out either. I try to look at the positive and try to remain hopeful. Because even in this tragedy, there is hope; I know the Lord will bless me with children.

I spoke to Ty a while ago, and he told me that we would be able to pick up the ashes on Monday. We were going to spread them in the ocean, but I don’t know if I want to do that now. I think I want to keep her remains here. I want to keep her close to me. I wish there was some way to go back. I know that in life, things are not fair, but it’s hard to comprehend why things happen the way they do.

You know I try to wrap my head around this whole situation and no matter how hard I try to, I CANNOT seem to understand it. I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I’m so incredibly angry and frustrated and depressed. And no matter how many people tell me that the pain will lessen, I don’t feel like it will. I feel like I’m always going to feel this way. The darkness seems to overwhelm me. The pain seems to magnify when I’m alone. I try my best to put up a brave face in front of my family and Ty’s family, but when I’m alone it all comes out. I break down. I feel like I just want to be alone in my pain and grief.