Cruel Fate

January 19, 2009. That day will be forever etched in my mind. It’s the day I realized I would never hold my precious baby. I would not get the chance or opportunity to show her all the love I had for her. I keep going over it in my head. What could I have done differently? I had some stomach pains on Sunday night; I woke up Monday morning with more of a stomachache. When I went to the bathroom to wipe I noticed that I was spotting. I called the doctor’s office immediately to make an appointment. But this time the pain was coming more swiftly, so Ty and I got dressed to go to the hospital. When we got in the car, I kept having contractions after 2 or 3 minutes, another one would come. We got to the hospital and Ty bought down a wheelchair for me to go to labor and delivery. As soon as I made it upstairs my water broke. My heart just dropped because I knew my baby wasn’t going to make it. They took me in and tried to find her heartbeat but they couldn’t. So they took me upstairs and I waited for the ultrasound tech to come and do an ultrasound and wait for my doctor. My doctor came the same time as the tech and by then they rushed me into the OR room. All I could think of was how scared I was. I could die. I said a quick prayer that everything would be okay. They put me under general anesthesia and took the baby out.

When I woke up I thought I was having a bad dream. Then, I saw Ty and asked him about the baby. He didn’t tell me anything. Then the nurse came and told me that the baby didn’t make it. I felt like the wind had been knocked out from under me. It didn’t help that I felt like a bus had just hit me. One of the nurse asked if I wanted to hold her and I told them yes I wanted to hold my baby. When they gave me my baby and I held her. I looked into a small beautiful little face and I couldn’t believe that this was going to be the only time I would hold her. They had me in recovery for what felt like a long time. They gave me morphine. It numbed the pain from the surgery, but nothing could describe the pain I was feeling inside. Ty stayed with me for a while, but then he had to leave and his brother stayed with me. The pain I’m still feeling. A thousand thoughts keep going through my head. She was just in my belly kicking and now she’s gone.

After what seemed like hours, they brought me to my room. By then my family was allowed to see me. My mom and dad came and I couldn’t help the tears from falling. My parents told me not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. Ty asked the nurse if we could see the baby again and they brought her in. It broke my heart to see my little one’s face. I couldn’t wait to meet her but I wanted for her to come out healthy and happy. Then everyone left including Ty and I was left alone in my room.

That night, all alone in that hospital room, I couldn’t sleep. All I could think of was my little girl’s face and that soon I would have to bury my angel. Being in that hospital for those three days were awful.