Tonight

I can't sleep. . . As hard as I try to empty my head of any thoughts, they stubbornly cling on torturing me. My mind is filled at all corners. I have the television on to distract me, but that's not working either.

I honestly . . .

I honestly don’t know how I will make it. I don’t feel strong enough at all. Everyday is a struggle for me. And I find myself staying in my room more and more. Sometimes I still can’t believe this is happening. I think back to just a couple of weeks ago, and how I felt her moving inside of me. It all just seems like a bad dream. I look at my belly and still can’t believe she’s gone. Why do I do? I still don’t feel like talking to anyone. The only person I’m really able to talk to is Cha. I feel so alone in my grief. No one else could possibly understand this unless they have been through it. Even my friends, I know they care for me, but they have never had to go through this. I can’t really talk to C about this at all, she has children she wouldn’t understand. I don’t want to go out either. I try to look at the positive and try to remain hopeful. Because even in this tragedy, there is hope; I know the Lord will bless me with children.

I spoke to Ty a while ago, and he told me that we would be able to pick up the ashes on Monday. We were going to spread them in the ocean, but I don’t know if I want to do that now. I think I want to keep her remains here. I want to keep her close to me. I wish there was some way to go back. I know that in life, things are not fair, but it’s hard to comprehend why things happen the way they do.

You know I try to wrap my head around this whole situation and no matter how hard I try to, I CANNOT seem to understand it. I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I’m so incredibly angry and frustrated and depressed. And no matter how many people tell me that the pain will lessen, I don’t feel like it will. I feel like I’m always going to feel this way. The darkness seems to overwhelm me. The pain seems to magnify when I’m alone. I try my best to put up a brave face in front of my family and Ty’s family, but when I’m alone it all comes out. I break down. I feel like I just want to be alone in my pain and grief.

I feel . . .

I feel like I'll never get over this. I find myself crying at the oddest times, but mostly when I'm all alone. I still don't feel like going out or talking to anyone. I still see the images of my little girl in my head. And as much as I know that nothing will change, nothing will ever change all I keep thinking about is if only . . . All I'm doing is driving myself crazy, but I can't help it. I'm so filled with pain. How am I supposed to go on like this? Will I ever smile again? Will I ever truly laugh again? How am I supposed to get past this? I feel so alone in my grief. I feel like everyone around me expects me to be okay. But I'm not and I don't think I'll ever be okay. I have to put on this brave face when deep inside I'm screaming and crying. I just don't know how I'll go on . . .

Just Those Few Weeks

Just Those Few Weeks
by Susan Erlin

For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short of time
To be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks-
I came to know you... And to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
And no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny, unfinished baby,
Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
To make my life so much richer-
And give me a small glimpse of eternity

Cruel Fate

January 19, 2009. That day will be forever etched in my mind. It’s the day I realized I would never hold my precious baby. I would not get the chance or opportunity to show her all the love I had for her. I keep going over it in my head. What could I have done differently? I had some stomach pains on Sunday night; I woke up Monday morning with more of a stomachache. When I went to the bathroom to wipe I noticed that I was spotting. I called the doctor’s office immediately to make an appointment. But this time the pain was coming more swiftly, so Ty and I got dressed to go to the hospital. When we got in the car, I kept having contractions after 2 or 3 minutes, another one would come. We got to the hospital and Ty bought down a wheelchair for me to go to labor and delivery. As soon as I made it upstairs my water broke. My heart just dropped because I knew my baby wasn’t going to make it. They took me in and tried to find her heartbeat but they couldn’t. So they took me upstairs and I waited for the ultrasound tech to come and do an ultrasound and wait for my doctor. My doctor came the same time as the tech and by then they rushed me into the OR room. All I could think of was how scared I was. I could die. I said a quick prayer that everything would be okay. They put me under general anesthesia and took the baby out.

When I woke up I thought I was having a bad dream. Then, I saw Ty and asked him about the baby. He didn’t tell me anything. Then the nurse came and told me that the baby didn’t make it. I felt like the wind had been knocked out from under me. It didn’t help that I felt like a bus had just hit me. One of the nurse asked if I wanted to hold her and I told them yes I wanted to hold my baby. When they gave me my baby and I held her. I looked into a small beautiful little face and I couldn’t believe that this was going to be the only time I would hold her. They had me in recovery for what felt like a long time. They gave me morphine. It numbed the pain from the surgery, but nothing could describe the pain I was feeling inside. Ty stayed with me for a while, but then he had to leave and his brother stayed with me. The pain I’m still feeling. A thousand thoughts keep going through my head. She was just in my belly kicking and now she’s gone.

After what seemed like hours, they brought me to my room. By then my family was allowed to see me. My mom and dad came and I couldn’t help the tears from falling. My parents told me not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. Ty asked the nurse if we could see the baby again and they brought her in. It broke my heart to see my little one’s face. I couldn’t wait to meet her but I wanted for her to come out healthy and happy. Then everyone left including Ty and I was left alone in my room.

That night, all alone in that hospital room, I couldn’t sleep. All I could think of was my little girl’s face and that soon I would have to bury my angel. Being in that hospital for those three days were awful.