I am here

It's been a long time . . . . since I've been in this space.  I don't even know if I can express myself anymore.  I haven't written in so long and I don't even know why.  As in everything in life, there have been ups and downs.  I had a baby, a little girl.  I got a divorce from my husband.  I'm still teaching, but I find myself searching for my path.  One thing that has remained a constant in my life is the thoughts of my baby. The forgotten one.  The one that I think of every single day, without fail.  Even when I don't necessarily try to, she is in the peripheral of my life.  Most times when I think of her, it is just a bitter sweet memory, a sad smile, a brief stolen moment to remember that for just a few months that she was a part of me.  No matter what I do, no matter how many children I may have, she is not forgotten.  I realize that as long as I live this experience is forever engrained in my DNA.  And I'm okay with that.

Alone

I am so afraid that I will forget my baby. That I'll forget being pregnant with her and that I'll forget all the little details of her short life. I know in this whole experience, I am alone.

Update

It's been almost a month, since I last wrote. The days are passing very quickly and everytime I look at the calendar May seems to be staring me right in the face. I don't want to face May. My baby's due day is approaching and it's hard for me to think that I won't be bringing her home when the time comes. . .

Why does it seem so much harder now?

Denial

I've been avoiding writing for a couple months now. I guess I thought that if I didn't write about it that somehow I could ignore the pain. But I find that whether I write about it or not, the pain is always there and no amount of "not writing about it" will take it away.

I've gone back to work. It seems like a joke because working is supposed to bring some kind of normalcy into my life. All I find it does is make me feel that much more inadequate. I don't want to be at work and I don't want to be around people. I feel like I'm faking. I'm faking at being okay because that's what everyone expects. That's not how I feel inside though. Inside I feel dead. The day my baby died, is the day I died as well.

I really feel like that. Though I am somewhat hopeful of the future, all this experience has taught me is that I really don't know what the future holds. And that life is extremely fragile.

ConFUsIoN

I don't know what I believe in anymore.

Frustrated

I went to the hematologist on Wednesday, she said everything was normal. I'm supposed to follow up with my ob/gyn, I left a message and I'm waiting for him to call me back. It's just really frustrating. If they can't find anything wrong and there's no explanation, then how do I make sense of it all?