Why does it seem so much harder now?

Denial

I've been avoiding writing for a couple months now. I guess I thought that if I didn't write about it that somehow I could ignore the pain. But I find that whether I write about it or not, the pain is always there and no amount of "not writing about it" will take it away.

I've gone back to work. It seems like a joke because working is supposed to bring some kind of normalcy into my life. All I find it does is make me feel that much more inadequate. I don't want to be at work and I don't want to be around people. I feel like I'm faking. I'm faking at being okay because that's what everyone expects. That's not how I feel inside though. Inside I feel dead. The day my baby died, is the day I died as well.

I really feel like that. Though I am somewhat hopeful of the future, all this experience has taught me is that I really don't know what the future holds. And that life is extremely fragile.

ConFUsIoN

I don't know what I believe in anymore.