Frustrated

I went to the hematologist on Wednesday, she said everything was normal. I'm supposed to follow up with my ob/gyn, I left a message and I'm waiting for him to call me back. It's just really frustrating. If they can't find anything wrong and there's no explanation, then how do I make sense of it all?

Thoughts

People keep asking me how I’m feeling. I tell them I’m okay, but really how am I supposed to feel? I lost my baby; it’s the most horrible feeling in the world. Last night I had another crying session. Most times I try to hold it together, I try to keep it positive, but when I’m alone all of it just comes flooding back. Over and over again, the questions keep popping into my head. Why? Why me? Why couldn’t I have my daughter? I cry so much and I don’t feel like talking to anyone, because I really don’t want to go into details. It hurts too much. I don’t know why God decided to take my baby; I don’t think I’ll ever really know. All I know is that I have never felt so empty in my life. There are times all I can think of is holding my sweet little baby and realizing that she wasn’t coming home with me. And now I’m worried because what if I can’t give Ty a child? He’s been my rock though through everything. I could not have asked for a better person to go through this with. It just sucks that its another thing he had to go through with everything he has had to go through with his health and all.

I just don’t know what to think or what to say. I’ve been reading about all these people who lost their babies, and I feel so sad. Ty told me not to read any more things about pregnancy but I can’t help it. I try not to think about it, all I can do is leave it in God’s hands and hope for the best. I miss her each and everyday. People tell me that I’m young and that I’ll have more babies, but I don’t want to replace my little girl. Yes I would like to try again, but it’s because I want to have a baby in my arms. I’ll never forget my little Angel. She added so much happiness to my life. Never once did I regret carrying her.

Update

I went to the doctor today for a follow-up. He really didn't tell me anything new. Just that he's just waiting for the test results to see if there's anything abnormal going on. There are still more questions than answers. Which just completely depressed me more than anything. I'm supposed to go to the hematologist and go over the results of my blood work. Though she already told me she suspects everything will turn out normal. If everything is alright, then why did this happen to me? Why did I lose my baby? It's just so frustrating . . . .
I just feel really pessimistic about the whole thing. Even now this whole thing is fucking surreal to me. My friend called me tonight and I realized that I needed to start letting them know the news. So I told her and she offered her condolences, but then she tells me that I'll have another one. That's not what I want to hear. I wanted HER. I wanted my sweet little Angel more than I wanted anything else in my life.
Everyone keeps telling me that time will heal this pain. I don't think so. I don't think this pain will ever go away. There's a piece of my heart that's been ripped away, that hole will always be there until the day I die. Nothing, NOTHING will change the fact that my baby is not here with me. I am so angry that I won't ever hold her or talk to her or raise her. She's gone and I am left here completely numb and empty.

Laid to Rest

Yesterday, my husband and I took a boat ride to the gulf stream. We took our sweet Angel's ashes and scattered them. It was the hardest thing I had to do, letting go of her without even having the chance to hold on to her. I feel so isolated. Everyone else will forget and are living their lives and I will be the only one to remember her. Life is cruel.

Mindless

I try to keep my mind occupied. I watch mindless television shows, I read everything I can - magazines, newspapers, e-mail, blogs. Yet there comes a point when it just hits me and I can't stop the pain from invading my entire body.

My milk has finally dried up. I thought when it happened I would be relieved. I find that I'm even more depressed. They say that God doesn't give you more than you can bear. I'm trying to believe that. That somehow I'm supposed to come out of this having learned something. Honestly, I don't know what it is yet.